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[ Bellamy dreams of rain sometimes. That first rainfall on the ground, soaking him to the skin like a baptism. He'd thought of that by the ocean, wishing for that kind of cleansing then. Looking out over the endless stretch of water, he'd thought back to those first moments on the ground; all the problems that had plagued them then seemed far more manageable in comparison. And he'd had less blood on his hands then. Two lives, he'd thought, instead of hundreds.
Holding Clarke by the ocean had been one of the last small, good things, uncomplicated comfort before they'd gone off to battle. All of them had thought that dismantling ALIE's hold on their people would be the end. Instead, Clarke had woken with news of something far worse looming in the future. He'd seen it in her face before she'd even spoken, dread building behind her eyes instead of the relief victory should have brought.
And now they have to do the impossible. Save their people again, somehow, when they're up against a phenomenon that's bigger than even ALIE had been. There are still ugly bruises on Bellamy's throat, the outline of Kane's fingers mottled purple, a vivid reminder of how close he came to death. (Part of Bellamy believes he'd have deserved it, quiet as it's kept.) He lingers, listening more than volunteering. Outside of their makeshift council room, reparations are underway. There's more to be rectified than the wreck of Polis, the abandoned skeleton of Arkadia, but it's easier to focus on the physical, rather than the strained relationships between their people. It's difficult to let Clarke out of his sight, or else he'd have left the room already, taken his helpless frustration to vent elsewhere. He doesn't trust his own contributions yet, even if he could see an angle to head off the destruction and death ALIE promised them.
But he reaches his breaking point anyway, helplessness building to something explosive and reckless in his chest. It's inevitable. He slips out the door rather than vent those emotions but can't push himself to leave. He walks right down to the doors, hanging haphazardly open, but no farther. If he's waiting for her, he's doing so unconsciously. His arms drop to his sides as she approaches, taking in her expression before nodding. ]
A break would be good, [ He agrees, hand straying to the gun at his hip, checking before he nods. ] You need to get anything before we go?
[ By which he means weapons, though anything they could find in the woods pales in comparison to what they've faced already, and will be facing soon. He can't summon the same anxieties about grounders (Ice Nation, though the correction always comes a beat late, even in his thoughts) as he had weeks ago. ]
Holding Clarke by the ocean had been one of the last small, good things, uncomplicated comfort before they'd gone off to battle. All of them had thought that dismantling ALIE's hold on their people would be the end. Instead, Clarke had woken with news of something far worse looming in the future. He'd seen it in her face before she'd even spoken, dread building behind her eyes instead of the relief victory should have brought.
And now they have to do the impossible. Save their people again, somehow, when they're up against a phenomenon that's bigger than even ALIE had been. There are still ugly bruises on Bellamy's throat, the outline of Kane's fingers mottled purple, a vivid reminder of how close he came to death. (Part of Bellamy believes he'd have deserved it, quiet as it's kept.) He lingers, listening more than volunteering. Outside of their makeshift council room, reparations are underway. There's more to be rectified than the wreck of Polis, the abandoned skeleton of Arkadia, but it's easier to focus on the physical, rather than the strained relationships between their people. It's difficult to let Clarke out of his sight, or else he'd have left the room already, taken his helpless frustration to vent elsewhere. He doesn't trust his own contributions yet, even if he could see an angle to head off the destruction and death ALIE promised them.
But he reaches his breaking point anyway, helplessness building to something explosive and reckless in his chest. It's inevitable. He slips out the door rather than vent those emotions but can't push himself to leave. He walks right down to the doors, hanging haphazardly open, but no farther. If he's waiting for her, he's doing so unconsciously. His arms drop to his sides as she approaches, taking in her expression before nodding. ]
A break would be good, [ He agrees, hand straying to the gun at his hip, checking before he nods. ] You need to get anything before we go?
[ By which he means weapons, though anything they could find in the woods pales in comparison to what they've faced already, and will be facing soon. He can't summon the same anxieties about grounders (Ice Nation, though the correction always comes a beat late, even in his thoughts) as he had weeks ago. ]
[ that's why they're friends, obviously. ]
I got up in arms about the movies' treatment of Ron and Hermione again.
I got up in arms about the movies' treatment of Ron and Hermione again.
Edited 2016-06-17 05:47 (UTC)
[ too often does he feel rudderless. after stumbling through dead bodies at their feet, after helping the living find their balance, even securing an arm around harper to help her back to camp, he had been upset with clarke for leaving without a word. even now, he feels he understands her better than most do, that while she had wanted the best possible outcome for the others, she chooses to shoulder the full guilt of the decision to pull the lever. he doesn't need to talk to her to know that.
he doesn't need to talk to her but he wants to.
before the mountain, they had some time to reconvene, to try to be the friends they once were. even if there is a place for him among the others in the new arkadia, no one can be clarke. and at the moment, clarke is all the family he has while an invisible wall stays standing between himself and his father.
he wants to talk to her about the break, how frightened he is for his dad's mental state. it feels as if no reason can reach him now that he has backed himself into a corner. with him having disappeared on his religious excursion, he doesn't wish to burden anyone else with his worries.
and he continues to hold onto them as he takes a deep breath and resists the urge to hug her in greeting. ]
Could've said goodbye, that's all.
[ he had seen her, just seconds before she turned away and walked through the gates of camp. it doesn't make him clench his fists, his arms remaining hanging at his sides. his hands are calloused from holding guns and knives lately, and he's stronger after all those sparring sessions with lincoln and the others. he stands before her not in that old blue jacket from their early days on earth, but in a guard uniform instead. it wasn't his first choice, but he felt he should contribute best this way.
when abby asked him to accompany her, he agreed without question. ]
he doesn't need to talk to her but he wants to.
before the mountain, they had some time to reconvene, to try to be the friends they once were. even if there is a place for him among the others in the new arkadia, no one can be clarke. and at the moment, clarke is all the family he has while an invisible wall stays standing between himself and his father.
he wants to talk to her about the break, how frightened he is for his dad's mental state. it feels as if no reason can reach him now that he has backed himself into a corner. with him having disappeared on his religious excursion, he doesn't wish to burden anyone else with his worries.
and he continues to hold onto them as he takes a deep breath and resists the urge to hug her in greeting. ]
Could've said goodbye, that's all.
[ he had seen her, just seconds before she turned away and walked through the gates of camp. it doesn't make him clench his fists, his arms remaining hanging at his sides. his hands are calloused from holding guns and knives lately, and he's stronger after all those sparring sessions with lincoln and the others. he stands before her not in that old blue jacket from their early days on earth, but in a guard uniform instead. it wasn't his first choice, but he felt he should contribute best this way.
when abby asked him to accompany her, he agreed without question. ]
[Since coming down to the Ground, Clarke's had to revise her thinking so many times that it almost comes naturally to her now. If one thing doesn't work, try the next and then the next after that. She wants to live in a world where people don't kill to survive. She wants to live in a world where she doesn't kill to survive. But she saw a peace of that with Luna's haven, and she knew it wasn't for her. Abandoning her people to live out the rest of her life in a utopia wouldn't work. To some degree, she tried it once. It wasn't the same, but in her mind, it's practically the same.
The difference is this: Luna could stay away. Clarke was foolish to believe she had the resolve to last that long.
(In that realization, Clarke knows that Luna would not have been the best choice for a commander. She led her people well, but her people craved a certain ideal.)
Since Clarke doesn't live in an ideal world, she is certain to wear a gun. There are many people who are angry about what happened to them. While they recover from the loss of their minds and their autonomy, they strike out. It's not everyone. Thankfully, the experience has largely brought the people of this world together. But there are the minorities.
When Bellamy asks, she knows precisely what he means. She opens up her familiar blue jacket to him, revealing the gun in a holster inside. She retrieved the jacket on her way back to Polis, having hidden it somewhere if she would ever want it again. She had burned the rest of her clothes, but not that jacket. Never that jacket.]
You never know when you need to head out. A lot's happening outside of these walls. [And after nearly getting caught by Roan in the woods, she knows better than to think she can take it alone. Roan, who's currently actually healing from his injury inside of Arkadia isn't really the worry. But she knows that sharp words aren't going to save her from someone who feels too guilty to be alive. That's the case for many who have left the City of Light behind.
What isn't visible on the inside of the jacket, in a concealed pocket, she has the Flame. She keeps it safe for now, and she finds a comfort in having it so close.
She motions with her head that with that decided, they can get moving. Clarke thinks to muster up words, muster up anything, but it all feels ... empty. Pointless. Meaningless. No, she won't try for softer words. They need to talk plainly. They owe that to each other, and it will be easier without the protective walls of Arkadia around them.
(Somehow, it's like Arkadia protects them from themselves, too, and right now they can go without.)]
The difference is this: Luna could stay away. Clarke was foolish to believe she had the resolve to last that long.
(In that realization, Clarke knows that Luna would not have been the best choice for a commander. She led her people well, but her people craved a certain ideal.)
Since Clarke doesn't live in an ideal world, she is certain to wear a gun. There are many people who are angry about what happened to them. While they recover from the loss of their minds and their autonomy, they strike out. It's not everyone. Thankfully, the experience has largely brought the people of this world together. But there are the minorities.
When Bellamy asks, she knows precisely what he means. She opens up her familiar blue jacket to him, revealing the gun in a holster inside. She retrieved the jacket on her way back to Polis, having hidden it somewhere if she would ever want it again. She had burned the rest of her clothes, but not that jacket. Never that jacket.]
You never know when you need to head out. A lot's happening outside of these walls. [And after nearly getting caught by Roan in the woods, she knows better than to think she can take it alone. Roan, who's currently actually healing from his injury inside of Arkadia isn't really the worry. But she knows that sharp words aren't going to save her from someone who feels too guilty to be alive. That's the case for many who have left the City of Light behind.
What isn't visible on the inside of the jacket, in a concealed pocket, she has the Flame. She keeps it safe for now, and she finds a comfort in having it so close.
She motions with her head that with that decided, they can get moving. Clarke thinks to muster up words, muster up anything, but it all feels ... empty. Pointless. Meaningless. No, she won't try for softer words. They need to talk plainly. They owe that to each other, and it will be easier without the protective walls of Arkadia around them.
(Somehow, it's like Arkadia protects them from themselves, too, and right now they can go without.)]
[It's odd seeing Wells in this particular uniform. Clarke knows that a lot has likely changed. Arkadia has a different name now, as they've moved on from their initial worship of Jaha into realizing that all things change. They no longer have to be the people that they were up in the Ark. They no longer have to be the people they were when they just arrived on the ground, either. She recalls learning about the scars on her mother's back days after she returned to camp. Abby had brushed it off, but Clarke knew that was the adults' version of what many of the hundred had gone through.
If it were Bellamy standing across from her, she knows it would be different. Wells and Bellamy have always been different. Where Wells is grounded and silent, rarely if ever quick to words, Bellamy is loud, emotional, and abrasive. She loves them both, and in the time they've been on the ground, Bellamy has grown into her second best friend. Wells will always be the first to her, the truly even-handed person in her life (because she doesn't really count herself, not anymore).
They both mean a lot. But she is still selfishly glad that it's Wells and not Bellamy.]
I should have. [The three words are a concession that she knows she'd make to no one else (even Bellamy—especially Bellamy). She has to hold on to some of the denial she has for her actions, even if she knows they were wrong. How long can she drown in her guilt? And where does the guilt begin? Does it begin with when she offered Lexa a way to cure the Reapers in exchange for an alliance? Does it begin with Finn's blood hot and warm on her hands? Does it begin in the moments before they were about to bust into Mount Weather, and Clarke allowed herself to be shielded from attacks? Emerson knew that Lexa would come alone. He knew.
Everything about her is haunted, and she never wanted that to be a burden for her people.
Or Wells.
Clarke realizes she was foolish to think it would be anything else.]
I'd like to say I'd go back and change what I did, but I don't think I would. And I don't think I'd have said good-bye. [He'd let her go. She knows that. And yet—] I don't think I could ask you to let me say good-bye.
[It would be unfair to him. Wells gives her so much, and she imagines he'd give her that. He shouldered the pain from her father's death, knowing that it would be too difficult for her to realize that it had been her mother's fault. She couldn't do that to him in any other way.]
If it were Bellamy standing across from her, she knows it would be different. Wells and Bellamy have always been different. Where Wells is grounded and silent, rarely if ever quick to words, Bellamy is loud, emotional, and abrasive. She loves them both, and in the time they've been on the ground, Bellamy has grown into her second best friend. Wells will always be the first to her, the truly even-handed person in her life (because she doesn't really count herself, not anymore).
They both mean a lot. But she is still selfishly glad that it's Wells and not Bellamy.]
I should have. [The three words are a concession that she knows she'd make to no one else (even Bellamy—especially Bellamy). She has to hold on to some of the denial she has for her actions, even if she knows they were wrong. How long can she drown in her guilt? And where does the guilt begin? Does it begin with when she offered Lexa a way to cure the Reapers in exchange for an alliance? Does it begin with Finn's blood hot and warm on her hands? Does it begin in the moments before they were about to bust into Mount Weather, and Clarke allowed herself to be shielded from attacks? Emerson knew that Lexa would come alone. He knew.
Everything about her is haunted, and she never wanted that to be a burden for her people.
Or Wells.
Clarke realizes she was foolish to think it would be anything else.]
I'd like to say I'd go back and change what I did, but I don't think I would. And I don't think I'd have said good-bye. [He'd let her go. She knows that. And yet—] I don't think I could ask you to let me say good-bye.
[It would be unfair to him. Wells gives her so much, and she imagines he'd give her that. He shouldered the pain from her father's death, knowing that it would be too difficult for her to realize that it had been her mother's fault. She couldn't do that to him in any other way.]
I'm sure you noticed that Ron and Harry never hug, not even a no homo pat on the back. Hermione is always the one hugging Harry while Ron stands five feet away with his hands in his pockets.
Ugh.
Ugh.
[ Whatever Raven had or hadn't said about it, taking down ALIE had been personal. Raven had felt used, furious with herself and furious with Jaha, with ALIE, with the entire world for what had happened.
Or more specifically, what Raven had nearly allowed to happen. She'd helped. She'd been an important part of the plan. Being a crucial part of helping end the entire threat and reverse the effects isn't enough to quell the guilt and shame that rise like bile every time she remembers what she'd done, what she'd said. Throwing herself entirely into work keeps everything at bay for the moment. The best thing about how rundown Arkadia is and how short-staffed their people are now is that there's no shortage of things that need Raven's attention.
(The newfound computer knowledge she's gained comes from ALIE. Raven's very carefully planning to consider that in the moments between projects. If such a moment ever presents itself.)
Harper tells Raven they're back. She doesn't extricate herself from the makeshift control room, but they filter in one by one. Abby, to check Raven's leg, wrists, and neck, Octavia, to talk around a goodbye, Bellamy, to do nothing more than touch her hand and vanish. Clarke appears last, and Raven's gaze lifts from the screens, blinking owlishly before she finally takes her hands from the keyboard. ]
Monty was sleeping here for a couple days, [ Raven tells her, fond exasperation in her voice. ] Pull up a chair, Clarke.
[ Seeing her is a relief. Raven knows that Clarke had been fine, had been told as much repeatedly, but seeing Clarke in front of her finally eases the last of Raven's worries. ]
Did you see Jasper and Monty yet?
[ The infirmary has to be overflowing. Raven likes to tell herself that fact is part of the reason why she's stalled out on heading down there herself. ]
Or more specifically, what Raven had nearly allowed to happen. She'd helped. She'd been an important part of the plan. Being a crucial part of helping end the entire threat and reverse the effects isn't enough to quell the guilt and shame that rise like bile every time she remembers what she'd done, what she'd said. Throwing herself entirely into work keeps everything at bay for the moment. The best thing about how rundown Arkadia is and how short-staffed their people are now is that there's no shortage of things that need Raven's attention.
(The newfound computer knowledge she's gained comes from ALIE. Raven's very carefully planning to consider that in the moments between projects. If such a moment ever presents itself.)
Harper tells Raven they're back. She doesn't extricate herself from the makeshift control room, but they filter in one by one. Abby, to check Raven's leg, wrists, and neck, Octavia, to talk around a goodbye, Bellamy, to do nothing more than touch her hand and vanish. Clarke appears last, and Raven's gaze lifts from the screens, blinking owlishly before she finally takes her hands from the keyboard. ]
Monty was sleeping here for a couple days, [ Raven tells her, fond exasperation in her voice. ] Pull up a chair, Clarke.
[ Seeing her is a relief. Raven knows that Clarke had been fine, had been told as much repeatedly, but seeing Clarke in front of her finally eases the last of Raven's worries. ]
Did you see Jasper and Monty yet?
[ The infirmary has to be overflowing. Raven likes to tell herself that fact is part of the reason why she's stalled out on heading down there herself. ]
I did. Monty looks like he did okay in keeping himself from getting infected. It looks like he picked up a thing or two down here. [On the ground. When they first arrived, Clarke was the only one who had any idea of how to help anyone else. She was their sole doctor, and she only had the beginning of her medical training for the other hundred who had come down. After everything, she's not surprised that they've been taught some tricks so that they can survive, especially if they're attacked or shot. She imagines that comes with being in the guard, but ...
Well, there's a lot that Clarke doesn't know from her absence. She hasn't had much of a chance to catch up since finding a new home for the Flame was important. Even as she slipped into the City of Light, it's not like she got that information herself. The Flame (namely: Lexa) kept her safe so that she wouldn't be subsumed by the digital world around her.]
As for Jasper ... I think he's going to let himself get some help this time. [Her words are awkward and absent sounding, as if she should have noticed and tried to reach out to him sooner. She grabs the chair that had slid across the room and carries it over, resting it just to Raven's right before she drops into it.]
Maybe he'll have some other people to talk to. [So many people shut off their pain. Clarke wonders if Raven might be able to help, but she doesn't push, doesn't edge around that point.
Like a lot of things in Arkadia, she's still trying to figure out where she's allowed to go in the lives of her friends. She loves them and will do anything for them, but she also knows that she left. Being a leader and getting stuff done? All of that was easy enough. But the rest? The more intimate moments? Admittedly, she's at a bit of a loss.]
Well, there's a lot that Clarke doesn't know from her absence. She hasn't had much of a chance to catch up since finding a new home for the Flame was important. Even as she slipped into the City of Light, it's not like she got that information herself. The Flame (namely: Lexa) kept her safe so that she wouldn't be subsumed by the digital world around her.]
As for Jasper ... I think he's going to let himself get some help this time. [Her words are awkward and absent sounding, as if she should have noticed and tried to reach out to him sooner. She grabs the chair that had slid across the room and carries it over, resting it just to Raven's right before she drops into it.]
Maybe he'll have some other people to talk to. [So many people shut off their pain. Clarke wonders if Raven might be able to help, but she doesn't push, doesn't edge around that point.
Like a lot of things in Arkadia, she's still trying to figure out where she's allowed to go in the lives of her friends. She loves them and will do anything for them, but she also knows that she left. Being a leader and getting stuff done? All of that was easy enough. But the rest? The more intimate moments? Admittedly, she's at a bit of a loss.]
[ every day he feels that his moral compass is askew, wanting to cling to the person he used to be. the world has never been black and white but constantly treading into that grey area still makes him nervous and uncertain about which direction he should take. he would have once rejected the notion that he would one day have to keep his weapons close and often visible, that he would have to learn different ways of fighting.
there are different ways of survival and coping, of reacting to fresh wounds in the process of healing. the memories from mount weather still stay with them, from the horror of watching them drill into raven to that uncertain feeling after their struggles came to an end. he often sees those blistered bodies scattered all over the bunker when he closes his eyes. no one's hands were clean after that day.
for a long while, he remains quiet, simply keeping his eyes fixed on clarke's face as she speaks to him. he unclenches his jaw. ] You didn't have to go at this alone. You have me, and you have everyone else. [ as steady as he would like to be, there is a very small tremor in his voice near the end of his sentence and he suddenly looks away from her, clenching his fists.
a deep breath. ] I'm just glad to see you in one piece, Clarke.
[ it isn't difficult to smile when he says that and he takes the smallest step forward as an attempt to close the distance between them. he does nothing further. ]
there are different ways of survival and coping, of reacting to fresh wounds in the process of healing. the memories from mount weather still stay with them, from the horror of watching them drill into raven to that uncertain feeling after their struggles came to an end. he often sees those blistered bodies scattered all over the bunker when he closes his eyes. no one's hands were clean after that day.
for a long while, he remains quiet, simply keeping his eyes fixed on clarke's face as she speaks to him. he unclenches his jaw. ] You didn't have to go at this alone. You have me, and you have everyone else. [ as steady as he would like to be, there is a very small tremor in his voice near the end of his sentence and he suddenly looks away from her, clenching his fists.
a deep breath. ] I'm just glad to see you in one piece, Clarke.
[ it isn't difficult to smile when he says that and he takes the smallest step forward as an attempt to close the distance between them. he does nothing further. ]
Oh, yeah, why would we? Definitely too gay. Men don't have real friendships.
[ Raven sighs. Monty was safe. Jasper was...alive. Raven owed him her life, but she doesn't know how to reach out to him now. Her hands move restlessly across the countertop, trace the edge of her keyboard as she processes the information Clarke's giving her. ]
I'm guessing he'll be spoiled for choice, assuming he wants to talk.
[ It's hard to say. Maybe Jasper would make a second run at drinking away his problems. Raven could understand why he'd tried, even if it was the absolute opposite of what Raven had attempted. Keeping herself busy, and to an extent, keeping active, had helped her survive before. It would be her go-to method now. ]
What about you?
[ The question is deliberately open-ended. Would Clarke be the one to talk to Jasper? Was Clarke alright?
There's enough similarity between them to know that the latter isn't easily answered. Clarke puts everyone before herself instinctively. But she's been through just as much as their people had. Just because she'd escaped relatively unscathed didn't mean Clarke was in any better shape than the people who had been trailing into Arkadia for days now. ]
I'm guessing he'll be spoiled for choice, assuming he wants to talk.
[ It's hard to say. Maybe Jasper would make a second run at drinking away his problems. Raven could understand why he'd tried, even if it was the absolute opposite of what Raven had attempted. Keeping herself busy, and to an extent, keeping active, had helped her survive before. It would be her go-to method now. ]
What about you?
[ The question is deliberately open-ended. Would Clarke be the one to talk to Jasper? Was Clarke alright?
There's enough similarity between them to know that the latter isn't easily answered. Clarke puts everyone before herself instinctively. But she's been through just as much as their people had. Just because she'd escaped relatively unscathed didn't mean Clarke was in any better shape than the people who had been trailing into Arkadia for days now. ]
Not that JK Rowling was much better, but she tried! Sort of.
Really, the biggest problem with the movies is that they kind of play out like a youtube playlist of scenes thrown together, you know? Like that time we to piece together the World Cup semifinals from highlights videos.
Really, the biggest problem with the movies is that they kind of play out like a youtube playlist of scenes thrown together, you know? Like that time we to piece together the World Cup semifinals from highlights videos.
[Clarke knows that no excuse exists for why she left. At the time, it seemed like the most logical, sensible thing to do. With her gone, her people could move on, and she would take their pain and suffering with her. Once she hit the line of trees, the weight of it began to settle over her, but she refused to let herself turn back. Her mind began going through the motions. Too controlled, too steady in her ways at times, she knew exactly how to plan the means to protect herself and prevent her return. She knew exactly where to hide, how to live her life, and what to do for herself. Alongside Lexa and her people, she learned about the various people in Trikru who were warriors but mostly fended for themselves, living alone much like Lincoln did.
Sometimes, it was better that they were spread out. It helped them maintain their claim over their land.
But still, the plans she developed make it difficult for her to deny her culpability. Then again, would she?
Clarke knows she wouldn't.]
I don't really have an explanation for it. But I'm—I am okay. I promise.
[It feels important to make him believe this before she steps forward, closing the distance between him and her so that her arms can wrap around him in a familiar embrace.
The moment her fingers cling to the back of his jacket, she presses her face close to his neck and whispers through a strained voice,] I'm so sorry.
Sometimes, it was better that they were spread out. It helped them maintain their claim over their land.
But still, the plans she developed make it difficult for her to deny her culpability. Then again, would she?
Clarke knows she wouldn't.]
I don't really have an explanation for it. But I'm—I am okay. I promise.
[It feels important to make him believe this before she steps forward, closing the distance between him and her so that her arms can wrap around him in a familiar embrace.
The moment her fingers cling to the back of his jacket, she presses her face close to his neck and whispers through a strained voice,] I'm so sorry.
If Jasper's talking to me, he's making more progress than we could ever hope for. [It was open-ended, but Clarke took the route that happened to be easiest for her. Talking about how she feels when there isn't a whole lot of good ahead of them isn't easy. She imagines Raven will have ideas as they move forward, but she doesn't want to talk plans. Not yet. Not when so many people are still holding back tears, recalling their hands slamming spikes into the hands of both loved ones and strangers under the control of ALIE. It's too much.
It's not even that Clarke wants to avoid. She wishes she could throw herself into it. But as Raven found out a long time ago, there are some things that Clarke is just not good at. Medical science is a plus. Other kinds of science ... less so.]
But I guess that's why I'm taking a break here. A lot of people are ... glad, I guess, to have everything back. But so happy, either. [And because of that, any built up resentment they have against Clarke for leaving, or stopping ALIE, or any other number of things she's done, is currently being exaggerated. Thankfully, she's enough of her own punching bag to not take it to heart. She saw the City of Light. If they could be themselves there, would it be so bad to slip away?
The question looms large in her mind.]
It's not even that Clarke wants to avoid. She wishes she could throw herself into it. But as Raven found out a long time ago, there are some things that Clarke is just not good at. Medical science is a plus. Other kinds of science ... less so.]
But I guess that's why I'm taking a break here. A lot of people are ... glad, I guess, to have everything back. But so happy, either. [And because of that, any built up resentment they have against Clarke for leaving, or stopping ALIE, or any other number of things she's done, is currently being exaggerated. Thankfully, she's enough of her own punching bag to not take it to heart. She saw the City of Light. If they could be themselves there, would it be so bad to slip away?
The question looms large in her mind.]
[ Right now, Raven's focused on the repairs within arm's reach. Everything she can do from Arkadia, though she knows, inevitably, they'll need to venture outside. And she's not sure how much use she'll be then, with the thick brace on her leg hampering her movements. But first, get the system back up and running. That's what she can do now.
Her pet project, the chip residing on the table behind her, can wait. Perhaps even until after they're in the clear, assuming that ever comes to pass. ]
They will be, [ Raven tells her, offering direct reassurance. ] Once they realize what they were going to lose, they'll be happy.
[ It's more complicated than that. Raven knows it is. But the truth of the matter comes down to the simplicity of a single question. What had they lost to live within the City of Light? Freedom. It wasn't living. It was existing. Painlessly, in Raven's case, but that wasn't enough to barter away her will and her memories. She lifts a hand to the necklace, thumbs running over the blunted wings of the raven there as she leans back in her seat. ]
And then they'll have to get to work.
[ Doing what, that's the real question. But the sentiment is true. They'll all need to do what's needed to ensure survival. The sheer scope of what loomed in their future would demand it. ]
Her pet project, the chip residing on the table behind her, can wait. Perhaps even until after they're in the clear, assuming that ever comes to pass. ]
They will be, [ Raven tells her, offering direct reassurance. ] Once they realize what they were going to lose, they'll be happy.
[ It's more complicated than that. Raven knows it is. But the truth of the matter comes down to the simplicity of a single question. What had they lost to live within the City of Light? Freedom. It wasn't living. It was existing. Painlessly, in Raven's case, but that wasn't enough to barter away her will and her memories. She lifts a hand to the necklace, thumbs running over the blunted wings of the raven there as she leans back in her seat. ]
And then they'll have to get to work.
[ Doing what, that's the real question. But the sentiment is true. They'll all need to do what's needed to ensure survival. The sheer scope of what loomed in their future would demand it. ]
Any idea where to get us started? [Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven at least knows some of the plans that ALIE dismissed along the way. After all, she seemed to think it was impossible to stop the threat ahead, but then, she also thought that destroying the Earth's population was a solution. It's not like she's a beacon of reason. Besides, Becca seemed certain that they would find an answer.
What that answer would be, Clarke doesn't know. She wishes she could talk to her again, but her blood is red once more, and it's not like they have a flood of Nightbloods kicking around.]
I wouldn't mind learning what I can. So I can help. [The last time they tried teaming up to do some wiring and world saving (or people saving, really), Clarke hadn't had a single clue about where to begin. She still doesn't, but they have some time. They won't be improvising on the fly.
Besides, working with Raven, getting lessons like this in motion, definitely tops whatever interpersonal stuff she'll have to heal. And she will. She just doesn't have to yet.]
What that answer would be, Clarke doesn't know. She wishes she could talk to her again, but her blood is red once more, and it's not like they have a flood of Nightbloods kicking around.]
I wouldn't mind learning what I can. So I can help. [The last time they tried teaming up to do some wiring and world saving (or people saving, really), Clarke hadn't had a single clue about where to begin. She still doesn't, but they have some time. They won't be improvising on the fly.
Besides, working with Raven, getting lessons like this in motion, definitely tops whatever interpersonal stuff she'll have to heal. And she will. She just doesn't have to yet.]
[ Raven's lips purse. She leans back slightly in her chair, neck rolling on her shoulders. There's aches and pains slowly making themselves known, but Raven doesn't plan on sleeping them off. She's choosing her words carefully in this moment, aware that some of the jargon that comes to her lips would go over Clarke's head, and that's not going to serve either of them. ]
I've got coordinates, [ Raven admits, distaste in her tone. It's a boon, but one that had been hard to come by. ] I can at least point you all in the right direction.
[ Even if she might not be able to accompany them in person. But Raven will work on that too. If it came down to it, she'd piggyback there on Bellamy's shoulders. ]
Everything else is a little...
[ She trails off, sighing. Her eyes fix on Clarke's face, even as her jaw juts stubbornly out against what she feels is an admission of a failing. ]
I know things. It's just hard to put together. That's why I need that.
[ Raven sweeps a hand towards the chip, suspended on the rig. ]
I've got coordinates, [ Raven admits, distaste in her tone. It's a boon, but one that had been hard to come by. ] I can at least point you all in the right direction.
[ Even if she might not be able to accompany them in person. But Raven will work on that too. If it came down to it, she'd piggyback there on Bellamy's shoulders. ]
Everything else is a little...
[ She trails off, sighing. Her eyes fix on Clarke's face, even as her jaw juts stubbornly out against what she feels is an admission of a failing. ]
I know things. It's just hard to put together. That's why I need that.
[ Raven sweeps a hand towards the chip, suspended on the rig. ]
Coordinates are a good start. [The admission of a failure doesn't go without notice for Clarke, so she ups the "reassurance" in her tone with those initial words. Clarke knows that she has to curb some of her worst habits from here on out, especially with how her return wasn't exactly warmly welcomed. She made a mistake in leaving. Now, she adjusts.]
We might be able to work out something between the Flame and the keys. [She draws out the Flame, resting it on her thigh. Clarke has wondered if Lexa is still in there, but she doesn't dare to hope. If they get in there, it won't matter if the minds of the Commanders are saved. They'll have more important work to do.]
There's no way Becca thought we'd both figure something out and that she really intended to make everyone into Nightbloods to survive. She was supposed to become a part of the Ark Station. If you can figure it out ... [Well, they might have a direction. More than coordinates. The emphasis on Raven is important. While she trails off, Clarke absolutely believes she can manage it. Absolutely.
The image of the bird on the door is still in her thoughts. They're better together than separate. She just wishes she realized that sooner.]
We might be able to work out something between the Flame and the keys. [She draws out the Flame, resting it on her thigh. Clarke has wondered if Lexa is still in there, but she doesn't dare to hope. If they get in there, it won't matter if the minds of the Commanders are saved. They'll have more important work to do.]
There's no way Becca thought we'd both figure something out and that she really intended to make everyone into Nightbloods to survive. She was supposed to become a part of the Ark Station. If you can figure it out ... [Well, they might have a direction. More than coordinates. The emphasis on Raven is important. While she trails off, Clarke absolutely believes she can manage it. Absolutely.
The image of the bird on the door is still in her thoughts. They're better together than separate. She just wishes she realized that sooner.]
Edited (improving the tag to be fluffier tbh) 2016-09-13 22:57 (UTC)
[ A start isn't good enough, not as far as Raven's concerned but she's aware of what Clarke's trying to do. It's in Clarke's nature to push hard when she gets single-minded about anything. Raven notes the diversion from the frantic pushing she'd done when they'd been trying to bring down an entire damn mountain.
Averting a second nuclear holocaust is going to be more difficult. But Raven's unwilling to deem it impossible, even in her thoughts. ]
I'll get the Ark up and running again first. Once I reestablish the connection, we'll be able to get some answers.
[ Hopefully. ]
Clarke, can I...?
[ The Flame. Lexa. She remembers the way Clarke had screamed when Jasper tried to smash it. That's what stops Raven from casually plucking it away from Clarke. There's still a lingering, desperate urge to possess that jars with Raven's curiosity like ground glass. Excising everything ALIE left behind is going to take time.
And there's an apology Raven wants to make, coupled with a more quiet, intimate admission. I'm so glad you're back, is on the list of necessary things to tell Clarke, but Raven wants it completely separated from shop talk. It'll hold more weight when it doesn't feel like an after-thought, though she thinks Clarke already knows how Raven feels. ]
Averting a second nuclear holocaust is going to be more difficult. But Raven's unwilling to deem it impossible, even in her thoughts. ]
I'll get the Ark up and running again first. Once I reestablish the connection, we'll be able to get some answers.
[ Hopefully. ]
Clarke, can I...?
[ The Flame. Lexa. She remembers the way Clarke had screamed when Jasper tried to smash it. That's what stops Raven from casually plucking it away from Clarke. There's still a lingering, desperate urge to possess that jars with Raven's curiosity like ground glass. Excising everything ALIE left behind is going to take time.
And there's an apology Raven wants to make, coupled with a more quiet, intimate admission. I'm so glad you're back, is on the list of necessary things to tell Clarke, but Raven wants it completely separated from shop talk. It'll hold more weight when it doesn't feel like an after-thought, though she thinks Clarke already knows how Raven feels. ]
[She recalls what she learned from the Flame in her brief time with it—that it had been formed to connect with the Ark, to ensure that all of the Stations would survive until it was time for them to return to the ground. It occurs to her that if the Ark needs to be set back up, the Flame itself might be the means to doing it. Then again, the deterioration might stop that. It's hard to say.
When Raven asks, she shakes out of the process of thoughts she nearly strayed on, and she takes up the tin canister and places it gingerly in Raven's hand. She recalls the desperate effort to keep it away from Raven, but Clarke doesn't worry about that now. She's seen the dark rings under her eyes, and her need to try to make everything better <already. The problem is that it's never as simple as that.]
I think she's gone. [The words might sound and feel like an admission, but that's because they are. Clarke knows ALIE would have ripped her away in those final moments, and likely did, but she had made it to the backdoor of the Flame. "I will always be with you" had been a lie, destroyed by the forged mysticism of Lexa's people, as it was the only way to explain all that they knew.]
When Raven asks, she shakes out of the process of thoughts she nearly strayed on, and she takes up the tin canister and places it gingerly in Raven's hand. She recalls the desperate effort to keep it away from Raven, but Clarke doesn't worry about that now. She's seen the dark rings under her eyes, and her need to try to make everything better <already. The problem is that it's never as simple as that.]
I think she's gone. [The words might sound and feel like an admission, but that's because they are. Clarke knows ALIE would have ripped her away in those final moments, and likely did, but she had made it to the backdoor of the Flame. "I will always be with you" had been a lie, destroyed by the forged mysticism of Lexa's people, as it was the only way to explain all that they knew.]
[ The first impression Raven has is that it's lighter than expected. The second is a shudder, some muted spark in the back of her mind. There's no reason to feel accomplished, but she does. Her fingers close over the tin as she takes a breath, biting her lip to ground herself against it. She doesn't crack the tin open to look, raises her eyes to meet Clarke's instead.
There's no mistaking that meaning. Raven gently sets the tin down on the tabletop, expression intent. ]
I'm sorry, [ Raven tells her. ] I know what she meant to you.
[ As fogged as Raven's mind had been with ALIE, she'd understood what Clarke's reactions to mentions of Lexa meant. She could recognize that kind of grief. She'd felt it for Finn, more so now with ALIE'S influence lifted. It's not the sort of thing that fades away easily. ]
At least you could tell her goodbye.
[ It's hollow. Raven's lip quirks in a grim smile as she says it. There's no comfort in good-byes. ]
There's no mistaking that meaning. Raven gently sets the tin down on the tabletop, expression intent. ]
I'm sorry, [ Raven tells her. ] I know what she meant to you.
[ As fogged as Raven's mind had been with ALIE, she'd understood what Clarke's reactions to mentions of Lexa meant. She could recognize that kind of grief. She'd felt it for Finn, more so now with ALIE'S influence lifted. It's not the sort of thing that fades away easily. ]
At least you could tell her goodbye.
[ It's hollow. Raven's lip quirks in a grim smile as she says it. There's no comfort in good-byes. ]
[That's one thing that's certainly true: there is no comfort in saying good-bye. Clarke has now had to say it to Lexa twice, and even with finally telling her that she loved her, it had amounted to nothing more than an inevitable absence. With all that she faces ahead, Clarke knows how much her people will need her. The issue is how broadly that is defined by now.
She holds steady for a moment before nodding toward the Flame, allowing that to pass.] I don't want to feel good about saying that to anyone else. If there's something to be had, it's on here.
[Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven knew before that this was coming, but hadn't been in the right mind to process it. Maybe ... maybe they don't need the Flame.
But she's betting that they do.]
She holds steady for a moment before nodding toward the Flame, allowing that to pass.] I don't want to feel good about saying that to anyone else. If there's something to be had, it's on here.
[Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven knew before that this was coming, but hadn't been in the right mind to process it. Maybe ... maybe they don't need the Flame.
But she's betting that they do.]
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