[Above all else, returning home should be celebratory. Although Clarke has already been back to Arkadia numerous times since she first left, it finally feels like a homecoming. She doesn't come alone. Bellamy is at her back, gun in hand. Her mother's at her side. Kane is just ahead with haunted eyes, and Octavia leads the pack. Everyone is reluctant to let her trail behind after what she's done to Pike. It makes sense, really.
But Clarke wonders if she's really earned this return. Has she handled the burden of her people's lives well enough? Has she overcome her own pain well enough to face them? Can she continue on, knowing that they know that she's given up once? With what lies ahead, she doesn't know.
She's barely had the chance to talk to anyone. Her waterside chat with Bellamy had helped, but everyone else has been too muddled, too caught up, to really address what she's done before. Jasper had done a fair amount of it himself, and ALIE had picked up the pace there, too, using Raven's mouth as his own. Now that they have time to breathe before they have to make a plan, will things change?
(Does she want them to change? Guilt comes naturally to Clarke.)
But she knows—knows that she has returned. Knows that she's back. She watches as everyone passes through the gates of Arkadia to start their lives over yet again, and she does what she can to help.
After a while, she slips off to find Raven. Jasper has been admitted to medical care and Monty's been stitched up. Many of the people who are suffering the affects of losing the chip are all being placed under medical surveillance, but Clarke knows one person who isn't entering that care. It's been so long, and their lives have almost necessitated that they move on from one form of pain to the next. To the minds of many, Raven's help in stopping ALIE means that she's fine.
Clarke isn't so sure.
She eyes the makeshift chip controller as she passes by it, fingers dropping down over the blue chip in the center. Her fingers memorize how similar it is to the Flame (which she still holds in her jacket until a new round of Nightbloods are found). Her eyes lift from the chip to the back of Raven's neck, as well as the computer systems that she's slowly working on. Getting Arkadia back into functionality is important, especially due to the mapping systems that they likely have in their databases. It makes sense, even if it looks a little lonely.]
Hey, [Clarke begins, though she almost wonders if she's invading.
[ Whatever Raven had or hadn't said about it, taking down ALIE had been personal. Raven had felt used, furious with herself and furious with Jaha, with ALIE, with the entire world for what had happened.
Or more specifically, what Raven had nearly allowed to happen. She'd helped. She'd been an important part of the plan. Being a crucial part of helping end the entire threat and reverse the effects isn't enough to quell the guilt and shame that rise like bile every time she remembers what she'd done, what she'd said. Throwing herself entirely into work keeps everything at bay for the moment. The best thing about how rundown Arkadia is and how short-staffed their people are now is that there's no shortage of things that need Raven's attention.
(The newfound computer knowledge she's gained comes from ALIE. Raven's very carefully planning to consider that in the moments between projects. If such a moment ever presents itself.)
Harper tells Raven they're back. She doesn't extricate herself from the makeshift control room, but they filter in one by one. Abby, to check Raven's leg, wrists, and neck, Octavia, to talk around a goodbye, Bellamy, to do nothing more than touch her hand and vanish. Clarke appears last, and Raven's gaze lifts from the screens, blinking owlishly before she finally takes her hands from the keyboard. ]
Monty was sleeping here for a couple days, [ Raven tells her, fond exasperation in her voice. ] Pull up a chair, Clarke.
[ Seeing her is a relief. Raven knows that Clarke had been fine, had been told as much repeatedly, but seeing Clarke in front of her finally eases the last of Raven's worries. ]
Did you see Jasper and Monty yet?
[ The infirmary has to be overflowing. Raven likes to tell herself that fact is part of the reason why she's stalled out on heading down there herself. ]
I did. Monty looks like he did okay in keeping himself from getting infected. It looks like he picked up a thing or two down here. [On the ground. When they first arrived, Clarke was the only one who had any idea of how to help anyone else. She was their sole doctor, and she only had the beginning of her medical training for the other hundred who had come down. After everything, she's not surprised that they've been taught some tricks so that they can survive, especially if they're attacked or shot. She imagines that comes with being in the guard, but ...
Well, there's a lot that Clarke doesn't know from her absence. She hasn't had much of a chance to catch up since finding a new home for the Flame was important. Even as she slipped into the City of Light, it's not like she got that information herself. The Flame (namely: Lexa) kept her safe so that she wouldn't be subsumed by the digital world around her.]
As for Jasper ... I think he's going to let himself get some help this time. [Her words are awkward and absent sounding, as if she should have noticed and tried to reach out to him sooner. She grabs the chair that had slid across the room and carries it over, resting it just to Raven's right before she drops into it.]
Maybe he'll have some other people to talk to. [So many people shut off their pain. Clarke wonders if Raven might be able to help, but she doesn't push, doesn't edge around that point.
Like a lot of things in Arkadia, she's still trying to figure out where she's allowed to go in the lives of her friends. She loves them and will do anything for them, but she also knows that she left. Being a leader and getting stuff done? All of that was easy enough. But the rest? The more intimate moments? Admittedly, she's at a bit of a loss.]
[ Raven sighs. Monty was safe. Jasper was...alive. Raven owed him her life, but she doesn't know how to reach out to him now. Her hands move restlessly across the countertop, trace the edge of her keyboard as she processes the information Clarke's giving her. ]
I'm guessing he'll be spoiled for choice, assuming he wants to talk.
[ It's hard to say. Maybe Jasper would make a second run at drinking away his problems. Raven could understand why he'd tried, even if it was the absolute opposite of what Raven had attempted. Keeping herself busy, and to an extent, keeping active, had helped her survive before. It would be her go-to method now. ]
What about you?
[ The question is deliberately open-ended. Would Clarke be the one to talk to Jasper? Was Clarke alright?
There's enough similarity between them to know that the latter isn't easily answered. Clarke puts everyone before herself instinctively. But she's been through just as much as their people had. Just because she'd escaped relatively unscathed didn't mean Clarke was in any better shape than the people who had been trailing into Arkadia for days now. ]
If Jasper's talking to me, he's making more progress than we could ever hope for. [It was open-ended, but Clarke took the route that happened to be easiest for her. Talking about how she feels when there isn't a whole lot of good ahead of them isn't easy. She imagines Raven will have ideas as they move forward, but she doesn't want to talk plans. Not yet. Not when so many people are still holding back tears, recalling their hands slamming spikes into the hands of both loved ones and strangers under the control of ALIE. It's too much.
It's not even that Clarke wants to avoid. She wishes she could throw herself into it. But as Raven found out a long time ago, there are some things that Clarke is just not good at. Medical science is a plus. Other kinds of science ... less so.]
But I guess that's why I'm taking a break here. A lot of people are ... glad, I guess, to have everything back. But so happy, either. [And because of that, any built up resentment they have against Clarke for leaving, or stopping ALIE, or any other number of things she's done, is currently being exaggerated. Thankfully, she's enough of her own punching bag to not take it to heart. She saw the City of Light. If they could be themselves there, would it be so bad to slip away?
[ Right now, Raven's focused on the repairs within arm's reach. Everything she can do from Arkadia, though she knows, inevitably, they'll need to venture outside. And she's not sure how much use she'll be then, with the thick brace on her leg hampering her movements. But first, get the system back up and running. That's what she can do now.
Her pet project, the chip residing on the table behind her, can wait. Perhaps even until after they're in the clear, assuming that ever comes to pass. ]
They will be, [ Raven tells her, offering direct reassurance. ] Once they realize what they were going to lose, they'll be happy.
[ It's more complicated than that. Raven knows it is. But the truth of the matter comes down to the simplicity of a single question. What had they lost to live within the City of Light? Freedom. It wasn't living. It was existing. Painlessly, in Raven's case, but that wasn't enough to barter away her will and her memories. She lifts a hand to the necklace, thumbs running over the blunted wings of the raven there as she leans back in her seat. ]
And then they'll have to get to work.
[ Doing what, that's the real question. But the sentiment is true. They'll all need to do what's needed to ensure survival. The sheer scope of what loomed in their future would demand it. ]
Any idea where to get us started? [Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven at least knows some of the plans that ALIE dismissed along the way. After all, she seemed to think it was impossible to stop the threat ahead, but then, she also thought that destroying the Earth's population was a solution. It's not like she's a beacon of reason. Besides, Becca seemed certain that they would find an answer.
What that answer would be, Clarke doesn't know. She wishes she could talk to her again, but her blood is red once more, and it's not like they have a flood of Nightbloods kicking around.]
I wouldn't mind learning what I can. So I can help. [The last time they tried teaming up to do some wiring and world saving (or people saving, really), Clarke hadn't had a single clue about where to begin. She still doesn't, but they have some time. They won't be improvising on the fly.
Besides, working with Raven, getting lessons like this in motion, definitely tops whatever interpersonal stuff she'll have to heal. And she will. She just doesn't have to yet.]
[ Raven's lips purse. She leans back slightly in her chair, neck rolling on her shoulders. There's aches and pains slowly making themselves known, but Raven doesn't plan on sleeping them off. She's choosing her words carefully in this moment, aware that some of the jargon that comes to her lips would go over Clarke's head, and that's not going to serve either of them. ]
I've got coordinates, [ Raven admits, distaste in her tone. It's a boon, but one that had been hard to come by. ] I can at least point you all in the right direction.
[ Even if she might not be able to accompany them in person. But Raven will work on that too. If it came down to it, she'd piggyback there on Bellamy's shoulders. ]
Everything else is a little...
[ She trails off, sighing. Her eyes fix on Clarke's face, even as her jaw juts stubbornly out against what she feels is an admission of a failing. ]
I know things. It's just hard to put together. That's why I need that.
[ Raven sweeps a hand towards the chip, suspended on the rig. ]
Coordinates are a good start. [The admission of a failure doesn't go without notice for Clarke, so she ups the "reassurance" in her tone with those initial words. Clarke knows that she has to curb some of her worst habits from here on out, especially with how her return wasn't exactly warmly welcomed. She made a mistake in leaving. Now, she adjusts.]
We might be able to work out something between the Flame and the keys. [She draws out the Flame, resting it on her thigh. Clarke has wondered if Lexa is still in there, but she doesn't dare to hope. If they get in there, it won't matter if the minds of the Commanders are saved. They'll have more important work to do.]
There's no way Becca thought we'd both figure something out and that she really intended to make everyone into Nightbloods to survive. She was supposed to become a part of the Ark Station. If you can figure it out ... [Well, they might have a direction. More than coordinates. The emphasis on Raven is important. While she trails off, Clarke absolutely believes she can manage it. Absolutely.
The image of the bird on the door is still in her thoughts. They're better together than separate. She just wishes she realized that sooner.]
Edited (improving the tag to be fluffier tbh) 2016-09-13 22:57 (UTC)
[ A start isn't good enough, not as far as Raven's concerned but she's aware of what Clarke's trying to do. It's in Clarke's nature to push hard when she gets single-minded about anything. Raven notes the diversion from the frantic pushing she'd done when they'd been trying to bring down an entire damn mountain.
Averting a second nuclear holocaust is going to be more difficult. But Raven's unwilling to deem it impossible, even in her thoughts. ]
I'll get the Ark up and running again first. Once I reestablish the connection, we'll be able to get some answers.
[ Hopefully. ]
Clarke, can I...?
[ The Flame. Lexa. She remembers the way Clarke had screamed when Jasper tried to smash it. That's what stops Raven from casually plucking it away from Clarke. There's still a lingering, desperate urge to possess that jars with Raven's curiosity like ground glass. Excising everything ALIE left behind is going to take time.
And there's an apology Raven wants to make, coupled with a more quiet, intimate admission. I'm so glad you're back, is on the list of necessary things to tell Clarke, but Raven wants it completely separated from shop talk. It'll hold more weight when it doesn't feel like an after-thought, though she thinks Clarke already knows how Raven feels. ]
[She recalls what she learned from the Flame in her brief time with it—that it had been formed to connect with the Ark, to ensure that all of the Stations would survive until it was time for them to return to the ground. It occurs to her that if the Ark needs to be set back up, the Flame itself might be the means to doing it. Then again, the deterioration might stop that. It's hard to say.
When Raven asks, she shakes out of the process of thoughts she nearly strayed on, and she takes up the tin canister and places it gingerly in Raven's hand. She recalls the desperate effort to keep it away from Raven, but Clarke doesn't worry about that now. She's seen the dark rings under her eyes, and her need to try to make everything better <already. The problem is that it's never as simple as that.]
I think she's gone. [The words might sound and feel like an admission, but that's because they are. Clarke knows ALIE would have ripped her away in those final moments, and likely did, but she had made it to the backdoor of the Flame. "I will always be with you" had been a lie, destroyed by the forged mysticism of Lexa's people, as it was the only way to explain all that they knew.]
[ The first impression Raven has is that it's lighter than expected. The second is a shudder, some muted spark in the back of her mind. There's no reason to feel accomplished, but she does. Her fingers close over the tin as she takes a breath, biting her lip to ground herself against it. She doesn't crack the tin open to look, raises her eyes to meet Clarke's instead.
There's no mistaking that meaning. Raven gently sets the tin down on the tabletop, expression intent. ]
I'm sorry, [ Raven tells her. ] I know what she meant to you.
[ As fogged as Raven's mind had been with ALIE, she'd understood what Clarke's reactions to mentions of Lexa meant. She could recognize that kind of grief. She'd felt it for Finn, more so now with ALIE'S influence lifted. It's not the sort of thing that fades away easily. ]
At least you could tell her goodbye.
[ It's hollow. Raven's lip quirks in a grim smile as she says it. There's no comfort in good-byes. ]
[That's one thing that's certainly true: there is no comfort in saying good-bye. Clarke has now had to say it to Lexa twice, and even with finally telling her that she loved her, it had amounted to nothing more than an inevitable absence. With all that she faces ahead, Clarke knows how much her people will need her. The issue is how broadly that is defined by now.
She holds steady for a moment before nodding toward the Flame, allowing that to pass.] I don't want to feel good about saying that to anyone else. If there's something to be had, it's on here.
[Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven knew before that this was coming, but hadn't been in the right mind to process it. Maybe ... maybe they don't need the Flame.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
me too, me too
But Clarke wonders if she's really earned this return. Has she handled the burden of her people's lives well enough? Has she overcome her own pain well enough to face them? Can she continue on, knowing that they know that she's given up once? With what lies ahead, she doesn't know.
She's barely had the chance to talk to anyone. Her waterside chat with Bellamy had helped, but everyone else has been too muddled, too caught up, to really address what she's done before. Jasper had done a fair amount of it himself, and ALIE had picked up the pace there, too, using Raven's mouth as his own. Now that they have time to breathe before they have to make a plan, will things change?
(Does she want them to change? Guilt comes naturally to Clarke.)
But she knows—knows that she has returned. Knows that she's back. She watches as everyone passes through the gates of Arkadia to start their lives over yet again, and she does what she can to help.
After a while, she slips off to find Raven. Jasper has been admitted to medical care and Monty's been stitched up. Many of the people who are suffering the affects of losing the chip are all being placed under medical surveillance, but Clarke knows one person who isn't entering that care. It's been so long, and their lives have almost necessitated that they move on from one form of pain to the next. To the minds of many, Raven's help in stopping ALIE means that she's fine.
Clarke isn't so sure.
She eyes the makeshift chip controller as she passes by it, fingers dropping down over the blue chip in the center. Her fingers memorize how similar it is to the Flame (which she still holds in her jacket until a new round of Nightbloods are found). Her eyes lift from the chip to the back of Raven's neck, as well as the computer systems that she's slowly working on. Getting Arkadia back into functionality is important, especially due to the mapping systems that they likely have in their databases. It makes sense, even if it looks a little lonely.]
Hey, [Clarke begins, though she almost wonders if she's invading.
Is she invading?]
I thought you could use some company.
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Or more specifically, what Raven had nearly allowed to happen. She'd helped. She'd been an important part of the plan. Being a crucial part of helping end the entire threat and reverse the effects isn't enough to quell the guilt and shame that rise like bile every time she remembers what she'd done, what she'd said. Throwing herself entirely into work keeps everything at bay for the moment. The best thing about how rundown Arkadia is and how short-staffed their people are now is that there's no shortage of things that need Raven's attention.
(The newfound computer knowledge she's gained comes from ALIE. Raven's very carefully planning to consider that in the moments between projects. If such a moment ever presents itself.)
Harper tells Raven they're back. She doesn't extricate herself from the makeshift control room, but they filter in one by one. Abby, to check Raven's leg, wrists, and neck, Octavia, to talk around a goodbye, Bellamy, to do nothing more than touch her hand and vanish. Clarke appears last, and Raven's gaze lifts from the screens, blinking owlishly before she finally takes her hands from the keyboard. ]
Monty was sleeping here for a couple days, [ Raven tells her, fond exasperation in her voice. ] Pull up a chair, Clarke.
[ Seeing her is a relief. Raven knows that Clarke had been fine, had been told as much repeatedly, but seeing Clarke in front of her finally eases the last of Raven's worries. ]
Did you see Jasper and Monty yet?
[ The infirmary has to be overflowing. Raven likes to tell herself that fact is part of the reason why she's stalled out on heading down there herself. ]
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Well, there's a lot that Clarke doesn't know from her absence. She hasn't had much of a chance to catch up since finding a new home for the Flame was important. Even as she slipped into the City of Light, it's not like she got that information herself. The Flame (namely: Lexa) kept her safe so that she wouldn't be subsumed by the digital world around her.]
As for Jasper ... I think he's going to let himself get some help this time. [Her words are awkward and absent sounding, as if she should have noticed and tried to reach out to him sooner. She grabs the chair that had slid across the room and carries it over, resting it just to Raven's right before she drops into it.]
Maybe he'll have some other people to talk to. [So many people shut off their pain. Clarke wonders if Raven might be able to help, but she doesn't push, doesn't edge around that point.
Like a lot of things in Arkadia, she's still trying to figure out where she's allowed to go in the lives of her friends. She loves them and will do anything for them, but she also knows that she left. Being a leader and getting stuff done? All of that was easy enough. But the rest? The more intimate moments? Admittedly, she's at a bit of a loss.]
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I'm guessing he'll be spoiled for choice, assuming he wants to talk.
[ It's hard to say. Maybe Jasper would make a second run at drinking away his problems. Raven could understand why he'd tried, even if it was the absolute opposite of what Raven had attempted. Keeping herself busy, and to an extent, keeping active, had helped her survive before. It would be her go-to method now. ]
What about you?
[ The question is deliberately open-ended. Would Clarke be the one to talk to Jasper? Was Clarke alright?
There's enough similarity between them to know that the latter isn't easily answered. Clarke puts everyone before herself instinctively. But she's been through just as much as their people had. Just because she'd escaped relatively unscathed didn't mean Clarke was in any better shape than the people who had been trailing into Arkadia for days now. ]
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It's not even that Clarke wants to avoid. She wishes she could throw herself into it. But as Raven found out a long time ago, there are some things that Clarke is just not good at. Medical science is a plus. Other kinds of science ... less so.]
But I guess that's why I'm taking a break here. A lot of people are ... glad, I guess, to have everything back. But so happy, either. [And because of that, any built up resentment they have against Clarke for leaving, or stopping ALIE, or any other number of things she's done, is currently being exaggerated. Thankfully, she's enough of her own punching bag to not take it to heart. She saw the City of Light. If they could be themselves there, would it be so bad to slip away?
The question looms large in her mind.]
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Her pet project, the chip residing on the table behind her, can wait. Perhaps even until after they're in the clear, assuming that ever comes to pass. ]
They will be, [ Raven tells her, offering direct reassurance. ] Once they realize what they were going to lose, they'll be happy.
[ It's more complicated than that. Raven knows it is. But the truth of the matter comes down to the simplicity of a single question. What had they lost to live within the City of Light? Freedom. It wasn't living. It was existing. Painlessly, in Raven's case, but that wasn't enough to barter away her will and her memories. She lifts a hand to the necklace, thumbs running over the blunted wings of the raven there as she leans back in her seat. ]
And then they'll have to get to work.
[ Doing what, that's the real question. But the sentiment is true. They'll all need to do what's needed to ensure survival. The sheer scope of what loomed in their future would demand it. ]
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What that answer would be, Clarke doesn't know. She wishes she could talk to her again, but her blood is red once more, and it's not like they have a flood of Nightbloods kicking around.]
I wouldn't mind learning what I can. So I can help. [The last time they tried teaming up to do some wiring and world saving (or people saving, really), Clarke hadn't had a single clue about where to begin. She still doesn't, but they have some time. They won't be improvising on the fly.
Besides, working with Raven, getting lessons like this in motion, definitely tops whatever interpersonal stuff she'll have to heal. And she will. She just doesn't have to yet.]
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I've got coordinates, [ Raven admits, distaste in her tone. It's a boon, but one that had been hard to come by. ] I can at least point you all in the right direction.
[ Even if she might not be able to accompany them in person. But Raven will work on that too. If it came down to it, she'd piggyback there on Bellamy's shoulders. ]
Everything else is a little...
[ She trails off, sighing. Her eyes fix on Clarke's face, even as her jaw juts stubbornly out against what she feels is an admission of a failing. ]
I know things. It's just hard to put together. That's why I need that.
[ Raven sweeps a hand towards the chip, suspended on the rig. ]
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We might be able to work out something between the Flame and the keys. [She draws out the Flame, resting it on her thigh. Clarke has wondered if Lexa is still in there, but she doesn't dare to hope. If they get in there, it won't matter if the minds of the Commanders are saved. They'll have more important work to do.]
There's no way Becca thought we'd both figure something out and that she really intended to make everyone into Nightbloods to survive. She was supposed to become a part of the Ark Station. If you can figure it out ... [Well, they might have a direction. More than coordinates. The emphasis on Raven is important. While she trails off, Clarke absolutely believes she can manage it. Absolutely.
The image of the bird on the door is still in her thoughts. They're better together than separate. She just wishes she realized that sooner.]
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Averting a second nuclear holocaust is going to be more difficult. But Raven's unwilling to deem it impossible, even in her thoughts. ]
I'll get the Ark up and running again first. Once I reestablish the connection, we'll be able to get some answers.
[ Hopefully. ]
Clarke, can I...?
[ The Flame. Lexa. She remembers the way Clarke had screamed when Jasper tried to smash it. That's what stops Raven from casually plucking it away from Clarke. There's still a lingering, desperate urge to possess that jars with Raven's curiosity like ground glass. Excising everything ALIE left behind is going to take time.
And there's an apology Raven wants to make, coupled with a more quiet, intimate admission. I'm so glad you're back, is on the list of necessary things to tell Clarke, but Raven wants it completely separated from shop talk. It'll hold more weight when it doesn't feel like an after-thought, though she thinks Clarke already knows how Raven feels. ]
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When Raven asks, she shakes out of the process of thoughts she nearly strayed on, and she takes up the tin canister and places it gingerly in Raven's hand. She recalls the desperate effort to keep it away from Raven, but Clarke doesn't worry about that now. She's seen the dark rings under her eyes, and her need to try to make everything better <already. The problem is that it's never as simple as that.]
I think she's gone. [The words might sound and feel like an admission, but that's because they are. Clarke knows ALIE would have ripped her away in those final moments, and likely did, but she had made it to the backdoor of the Flame. "I will always be with you" had been a lie, destroyed by the forged mysticism of Lexa's people, as it was the only way to explain all that they knew.]
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There's no mistaking that meaning. Raven gently sets the tin down on the tabletop, expression intent. ]
I'm sorry, [ Raven tells her. ] I know what she meant to you.
[ As fogged as Raven's mind had been with ALIE, she'd understood what Clarke's reactions to mentions of Lexa meant. She could recognize that kind of grief. She'd felt it for Finn, more so now with ALIE'S influence lifted. It's not the sort of thing that fades away easily. ]
At least you could tell her goodbye.
[ It's hollow. Raven's lip quirks in a grim smile as she says it. There's no comfort in good-byes. ]
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She holds steady for a moment before nodding toward the Flame, allowing that to pass.] I don't want to feel good about saying that to anyone else. If there's something to be had, it's on here.
[Clarke can't help but wonder if Raven knew before that this was coming, but hadn't been in the right mind to process it. Maybe ... maybe they don't need the Flame.
But she's betting that they do.]