If you're reading this, it's either because I felt you needed to see it, or because you've arrived while I've gone. I was here in the first batch of people. It was an accident, but it felt like it was okay because you were there. Murphy was, too, but he didn't get out much. Time here is tricky. It took me a while to explain what I came from. See, after we stopped the City of Light, I came out and told ... most people about the real reason behind all of that. ALIE wanted to collect humanity in her simulation so that they'd have a new chance at life. She just couldn't do it without removing emotions and pain because of the basis of her programming.
We thought we'd find a way through it. We did. Somewhat. You went off into space with Murphy, Monty, Echo (it's a long story), Emori, Raven, and Harper. Maybe you know all this. Maybe you don't know that I lived.
I did. I did and I was alone, so I found a radio and started talking to you. Every day. I'm not sure I'd still be alive if I didn't. No, actually, I know I wouldn't be. I don't know why I'd like to say I'm uncertain about that.
I'm not alone here. I'm not, which is why I "woke up" on June 21st and while you left a little over a month ago, I'm only writing to you now. I hope that catches you up, but if you need more information, Markus Manfred can help you. He's my friend. Honestly, he's the closest thing I have to a best friend while I'm away from you. I guess I should have known that sooner or later, I would want to talk to you.
Anyway.
We're in New Tokyo now. Yeah, all the cities here are "new" attached to a city of old. If I'm actually seeing you, I'll make sure to find all the information on New Athens or New Rome, if they exist. And if not, where those pieces of art went. I think I can do that for you.
It's snowing. I got here through some pretty crazy circumstances. We're here for relief efforts, but my efforts are better expended by hanging back. You know that drives me crazy, but I don't have a choice. A man here by the name of Stephen Strange convinced me to help people. But it feels like an uphill battle every day. I want to care for everyone, but sometimes they feel so far away.
Which is ... my own fault. I know that.
Still. Remember when Pike told us in Earth Skills that there wasn't much of a chance of us seeing much snow? He wasn't wrong. It snowed when I ran away. When I earned the title of "Wanheda." But that was nothing. Here, the accumulation is taller than me. So, I'm staying inside.
That means a lot of talking. Reading. Some people are watching things, but I can barely pay attention to them.
One more thing to explain. Apparently there are a lot of different holes in multiverses and people get tugged through them. Some ask the people who arrive to fight a war. Others get stuck in weird ... Clocks? Sorry, I'd explain it better, but I think if I asked Jon anymore questions he'd probably cut our conversation short. That's what they called that place. Another world was named El Nysa. The people in charge there said that everyone brought there had a dead world. I can sympathize with it. At least it turns out they had some reason to doubt, huh?
Anyway. Lexa.
She showed up in that Clock world. It took me to learn about it. I never thought I'd see her again. I did in the City of Light, and I said good-bye. But ...
See, every day, I keep telling myself I'm going to stay here. I wouldn't even think twice about it. But then I'm afraid I'll never see you, or my mom, or Raven. Murphy wouldn't believe it, but I'd happily take him, too. I miss everyone. It wasn't just hearing about Lexa and how impossible that was, but hearing about her and knowing how much I wanted to see her and everyone else. All of it feels impossible.
That didn't start here. It did back home. When I spoke to you through a radio that I'm pretty sure never reached you.
Markus told me I could come to his world, but I'm afraid of what I could do to it. I know someone else who'd like to stay here, and I want her to feel better about that, too. I want to stay.
But I also don't. If I knew I could see you guys again, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd be home within minutes, ready to wait five years for you. I even made a birthday wish to see you guys again.
Sorry. I thought I was going to talk about Lexa, but it turns out I can't. She made friends in that Clock world. She also knew she was dying before she got there. If they can provide medical care in time here, I can see them doing it there. Easily. I wish I could see her. Relaxing. Well aware of what happens if she goes back. Or how she'd go back and suddenly be alive. Her people would have to accept that. But I can't really ...
I can't really put it all to words. I took a couple days to think before I wrote to you.
Now I just miss you. If any of the others turn up, and I'm not giving you this file—tell them hi for me. I'll be back from wherever I got stuck when people disappear. They won't be able to stop me.
The big difference between doing this here and back home is that I don't do it every day. But now that I've started, it's a little hard to stop. I mean, unless you count six days of difference as not stopping. We'll have to talk about that if we ever get the chance.
I spoke a lot about what a people needs to be able to unify today. Would you believe the amount of times I had to return to where we were when it was just us and the delinquents on the ground? It's more comparable than anything else, even some of our own being lost along the way and us needing to rebuild from it. I don't want these people to make our mistakes. I don't want them to make my mistakes.
I'm not sure what we need moving forward, but it's just so ... striking how different we are.
The thing is, there isn't a feeling while living here that one day, everything is going to turn against us. It has against certain groups. But not us. Not "the Displaced." What we have here is good. It's really good. It's just ... I know not everyone left something worse than this. I have to remember that, but I don't know how to get that across. But I'm trying. You know I'd try regardless.
Anyway.
That's a lot of words to get to a single point.
I miss you, Bellamy. I could've used you there at my side when we were all arguing about what's good for our people. The only time you haven't been there was
Well, actually, you know. We were hurt and angry and it wasn't good. We're better together.
If you were thinking of turning back up and surprising me, now would be a good time. You don't have to, though.
[Rather than any single message, she deposits a series of pictures into the file: the festivities, the pumpkins. The bonfires. Her painting, her art book. A moment where she pauses to draw Bellamy and Octavia facing one another. A bunch of bottles of moonshine, with a note about how she still misses Monty's the most. The rides. There's a lot of pictures of the rides, especially from one of them herself, sitting alone and looking out over the city.]
Octavia showed up today. When you were here before, you didn't really know the extent of what losing Lincoln had done to her. She killed Pike and had a rough go of it, and when we needed a way to avoid the second apocalypse, she's the one who got it for us. Not me or anyone else. It was her. She was forced to be their leader, and I think it broke her. Changed her. You weren't happy about who she became.
That's the Octavia who showed up. She didn't trust me. She had good reason. But she didn't trust me. When everyone shows up, they have a drug in their system that forces them to do something. She didn't want to listen or follow me, so I forced her to do just that.
It wasn't fair to her.
It's not really a way to foster or engender trust between two people, but I did what I had to do. That's all I've ever done.
Do you ever think about what humanity was doing to the planet before ALIE brought down the bombs? When I was in the City of Light with her, she pointed out her reasoning for doing that. I don't think it was right. She thought she could solve a sweeping problem with a single algorithm and computation. As far as she was concerned, too many people was humanity's greatest problem. We wouldn't stop ourselves from expanding, so we just kept at it. No relenting. An AI not understanding human problems and instincts, or what we do. Honestly, it's not so different from some of what Jasper told us.
There are AI here, too. One made a similar mistake to ALIE. Another did a show, a bit of chaos and none of it makes sense because he's said he did it to drive us away. I don't understand. I tried to see if we could go to that planet that Octavia mentioned that we all went to, but he shut that down. It was strange.
That AI made me think we saw a bit of what happened to Earth as the first bombs came down. He hit the city with an EMP. Not the small grade ones that we had to use on Raven. A big one. All the cars came raining down, crashing into buildings. People needed to help. Wanted to help. I helped. I did what I could and then I just—well, I left.
Me, a woman named Jyn, and my friend Prompto. [Clarke wouldn't call Jyn a friend then, but she does now.] I guess I wanted to run, but we found creatures. Maybe some answers. When that AI took down a lot around the city, he messed with the atmospheric stabilizers, so I had to use my Nightblood to help Prompto and Jyn make it through. I think they would've been horribly sunburned otherwise. Transfusions to make it work out for them. Temporary, but enough to get us through. I was tired, but I made it happen.
We came back. I got to be in actual nature for a while. We all did.
I wish I could help more inside the walls. I'm going to try.
[The problem is: right after writing this, Clarke vanishes for her six-year canon update.]
All right. So, I just got back. Weird to write this now that you know that I did it. When I started the messages back home, I always hoped that you would. I always hoped that you'd hear it and tell me that you all made it up to the ring just fine. I had no choice but to hope. Those first forty days were hard, but the thought that you'd be taking care of everyone helped. And then they stretched on and on, and I met Madi, and everything changed.
When I first started this, the Bellamy I last saw here was from right before I went into the City of Light the first time. I still don't know that you'll ever see this. See these. I hope I'm brave enough to show them to you.
I wasn't my best person before. Not when we met up again after six years. Not here in New Amsterdam. I both wanted this life and wanted to avoid the responsibility I had back home, while expecting everyone to listen to me. I would listen to others and pick out what I wanted to hear, but I wasn't fair or understanding in the least. I fought with people.
You're probably laughing at this now. That's what I do.
But I want to live up to what Monty said. If you ever see this and don't know what I mean, ask me. I'll tell you. But the gist was that we all needed to do better. We needed to do better.
I'm going to try. Every day I can, I'm going to try.
[This is an art entry: pictures of sketches of her friends, all very accurate: Jyn, Caroline, Markus, Stephen, Loki, Prompto, even Kovacs who she was beginning to befriend at the time. And a final drawing of Octavia with short hair at a bar, talking over their plans to bring their people from Sanctum to this world. She had taken the picture with her implant and drew a facsimile of it later.]
Yesterday, we all woke up along a river with the memories of a life in a world called Zerzura. Well, not all of us had memories. Not everyone was taken in by what Zerzura had to offer, but I was. While I was there, I had Madi, and I wanted to do everything in my power to stop her. Someone I know but have generally butted heads with tried to be a voice of reason for me. His name's Jack. Well, he didn't keep me from screwing it up.
Here's the real kicker. In that world, I was married to Octavia. I still remember loving her, but even that love was diluted by wanting to protect Madi. We were growing estranged because we didn't handle what was going on well. I haven't been able to talk to Octavia about it. Not yet. But soon.
That's probably hard to believe. It is for me now that I'm out.
But I think what I did there and what I wanted there was a sign. A sign of what I wanted.
I just know that I also wasn't doing better. Not there. I didn't have a choice. But that doesn't matter.
I've been here long enough to experience a new year. At least six months now, maybe longer. I'm opening up a bar with Stephen. He was going to do it with Markus, but things fell through there. We actually decided not too long ago, but I kept forgetting to mention it. I don't know the first thing about running a business. I keep telling people the reason why, but it's hard to explain. False scarcity to keep people paying money. After being on the Ark, it's a little strange. So many people here go without.
The bar is going to be called Red Wings after a Detroit sports team.
I don't know if the Bellamy who'll read this will know Shaw, but I like to think he'd like it, too. Maybe Raven would as well. But this was for Markus. He was my rock and I miss him every day.
I'm doing a lot right now. Volunteering. Helping get this business setup. Classes online for school. And I have a job as a medical assistant. It's probably too much, but it keeps me busy and it keeps me helping.
Do you remember that AI I mentioned a while back? He came in offering a deal. It rung all too close to the promises that ALIE offered to welcome them into the City of Light. I don't resent ALIE for those promises. Like anyone, she was doing what she felt was necessary to save humanity from their own mistakes. But we all needed to have the pain and misery of living. Well, I guess the AI is taking advantage of that.
Some people I know made the deal. I'd call them friends, but we're also not as close. I don't know who else did. From what I've heard, they had good reason. I can trust in that and I get the desperation, but I also can't bring myself to go.
I'm sitting this one out, Bellamy.
I want to bring our people here, but I don't think that AI can help. And since he can't, I can't be tempted.
Zerzura is still with me. I didn't tell you what I nearly did there. When I was taken in by that world and made to think I was with Octavia and had Madi, I wanted to destroy another world to keep them safe. I was told by my friends not to resent myself for that decision, but isn't that easier said than done? I know the horrible things I'll do in desperation. And maybe other people won't do horrible things, but I will.
A construct of Josephine Lightbourne is with me. I haven't mentioned her yet. I didn't want to. But she entered my friend Kovacs' dream and tried to hurt him. I don't know if she'll show up again, but she did once.
While everyone's gone, I'll see if I can tell you about Josephine. I'm not up to sharing it now.
Josephine Lightbourne's parents, Russell and Simone, killed me. To be clear, this wasn't a decision that Josephine made herself, but she fully embraced it when given the chance. In her world, in Sanctum, the ruling family that first landed there felt that they had the right to keep living. They used these things that Becca developed called mind drives. They turned people into Nightbloods and installed the mind drives in case their findings on Sanctum couldn't be reported back any other way. Which would've worked out if they hadn't left a planet that would die not too long after.
They had a ceremony revolving around this process of taking over someone's body. If someone was born as a Nightblood, they would be raised and eventually elevated on their 21st birthday. It means that Madi's safe right now, but for how long? There's no way of telling. I'm here. The only comfort I have is that I won't be going home.
But Bellamy.
I died.
I stayed alive because I still had the City of Light key in my neck. Unlike with Raven or my mom, we never took it out. Anyone who had it would've survived the same way I did. I managed to live, but I wanted to be dead. I thought that maybe it was wrong to keep fighting to live. Josephine helped me there, I won't lie, but she was right in a way.
The only reason I'm alive is because of you.
Maybe I should've started with this. Way back when I got back.
I promise I'm living now. I'm doing what I can. I want to get our people away from the Primes like Josephine and her family. I have to do that.
Everyone just got back from New Beijing. From what I can tell, things didn't go as well as they could have. That's not surprising, is it? I don't know a whole lot yet. I wanted to make a note, just in case.
I haven't heard from Octavia in over a month now. I think she's disappeared like you did back in the day.
A lot of new people arrived today. It's around the same size as the group that first showed up on the bus. You don't remember this, probably, or won't, but we were on a bus that had an accident. Our group was sizable then, and it's sizable now. I don't know why.
A lot of them are asking a lot of questions. It makes me think about Farm Station and how they didn't have the same answers that we were able to give my mom and Kane when they first came down. They had a different experience, and they couldn't find us because of the signal scrambling from Mt. Weather. But the difference is that we can fill them in. See what we can do to help.
They landed in the middle of Carnival, which I believe you'd have a lot to say about given that it has its roots in old Roman traditions (from what I've dug up—you know all that better than me). I still think I'd take a bus crash any day over any of that.
I'm going to try to enjoy this holiday, but easier said than done.
One of the new guys, Eugene, came over and we talked about war. He's different from any of us who had to fight when we hit the ground. He fought in World War II, and it's probably weird to say, but his outlook on life is so different from ours. I feel very differently about the war we had to fight with the grounders than we did when we fought it, and began to see the pointlessness of it. I haven't asked him if he thought it was pointless. I don't think he would or could, considering.
But it's just different. Holding up what we've been through. No one has been through more pain than anybody else.
Eugene reminds me a bit of Monty. Even-tempered but not without a bite if the situation calls for it. I haven't called for it yet, but I think he's the type you could make a mistake and think you have an understanding with, but you don't. Not really.
Living here, I've been through eight months in a world without war, but not a world without conflict. It's different from the six years I had with Madi.
I have more thoughts than that, but I'm not sure I'm ready to articulate them yet.
Red Wings is open! Stephen handled talking to all of the employees that we were bringing on. We're only hiring from the base of Displaced, which will make it easier for some people who aren't as good at hiding out. I hope that if we get anyone else with wings or gills, we can assure them that they can get work at Red Wings, too.
We're headed to Mt. Everest and New Oslo soon. I've tried to organize what I can, but we're going in blind. It wouldn't be the first time. At least when we went into Mt. Weather, I'd been able to draw us a map so we knew where we were going. Here, I feel like I'm the blind leading the blind.
All I've been able to work out is that whatever we're looking for, it's probably "old." But that's not helpful, right? If it's not something I can look up online, it's something lost. Remember when we first went to the ground and had to dig up old weapons and you taught me how to shoot? I figure that whatever we're looking for is something like that, but aged more than 97 years.
This Earth messed up in a lot of worlds but got to rebuild. That's why I think whatever we're looking for is underneath all of that. Beyond the rebuilding.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
october 12, 2511
Actually, maybe I should back up.
If you're reading this, it's either because I felt you needed to see it, or because you've arrived while I've gone. I was here in the first batch of people. It was an accident, but it felt like it was okay because you were there. Murphy was, too, but he didn't get out much. Time here is tricky. It took me a while to explain what I came from. See, after we stopped the City of Light, I came out and told ... most people about the real reason behind all of that. ALIE wanted to collect humanity in her simulation so that they'd have a new chance at life. She just couldn't do it without removing emotions and pain because of the basis of her programming.
We thought we'd find a way through it. We did. Somewhat. You went off into space with Murphy, Monty, Echo (it's a long story), Emori, Raven, and Harper. Maybe you know all this. Maybe you don't know that I lived.
I did. I did and I was alone, so I found a radio and started talking to you. Every day. I'm not sure I'd still be alive if I didn't. No, actually, I know I wouldn't be. I don't know why I'd like to say I'm uncertain about that.
I'm not alone here. I'm not, which is why I "woke up" on June 21st and while you left a little over a month ago, I'm only writing to you now. I hope that catches you up, but if you need more information, Markus Manfred can help you. He's my friend. Honestly, he's the closest thing I have to a best friend while I'm away from you. I guess I should have known that sooner or later, I would want to talk to you.
Anyway.
We're in New Tokyo now. Yeah, all the cities here are "new" attached to a city of old. If I'm actually seeing you, I'll make sure to find all the information on New Athens or New Rome, if they exist. And if not, where those pieces of art went. I think I can do that for you.
It's snowing. I got here through some pretty crazy circumstances. We're here for relief efforts, but my efforts are better expended by hanging back. You know that drives me crazy, but I don't have a choice. A man here by the name of Stephen Strange convinced me to help people. But it feels like an uphill battle every day. I want to care for everyone, but sometimes they feel so far away.
Which is ... my own fault. I know that.
Still. Remember when Pike told us in Earth Skills that there wasn't much of a chance of us seeing much snow? He wasn't wrong. It snowed when I ran away. When I earned the title of "Wanheda." But that was nothing. Here, the accumulation is taller than me. So, I'm staying inside.
That means a lot of talking. Reading. Some people are watching things, but I can barely pay attention to them.
One more thing to explain. Apparently there are a lot of different holes in multiverses and people get tugged through them. Some ask the people who arrive to fight a war. Others get stuck in weird ... Clocks? Sorry, I'd explain it better, but I think if I asked Jon anymore questions he'd probably cut our conversation short. That's what they called that place. Another world was named El Nysa. The people in charge there said that everyone brought there had a dead world. I can sympathize with it. At least it turns out they had some reason to doubt, huh?
Anyway. Lexa.
She showed up in that Clock world. It took me to learn about it. I never thought I'd see her again. I did in the City of Light, and I said good-bye. But ...
See, every day, I keep telling myself I'm going to stay here. I wouldn't even think twice about it. But then I'm afraid I'll never see you, or my mom, or Raven. Murphy wouldn't believe it, but I'd happily take him, too. I miss everyone. It wasn't just hearing about Lexa and how impossible that was, but hearing about her and knowing how much I wanted to see her and everyone else. All of it feels impossible.
That didn't start here. It did back home. When I spoke to you through a radio that I'm pretty sure never reached you.
Markus told me I could come to his world, but I'm afraid of what I could do to it. I know someone else who'd like to stay here, and I want her to feel better about that, too. I want to stay.
But I also don't. If I knew I could see you guys again, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd be home within minutes, ready to wait five years for you. I even made a birthday wish to see you guys again.
Sorry. I thought I was going to talk about Lexa, but it turns out I can't. She made friends in that Clock world. She also knew she was dying before she got there. If they can provide medical care in time here, I can see them doing it there. Easily. I wish I could see her. Relaxing. Well aware of what happens if she goes back. Or how she'd go back and suddenly be alive. Her people would have to accept that. But I can't really ...
I can't really put it all to words. I took a couple days to think before I wrote to you.
Now I just miss you. If any of the others turn up, and I'm not giving you this file—tell them hi for me. I'll be back from wherever I got stuck when people disappear. They won't be able to stop me.
october 18, 2511
I spoke a lot about what a people needs to be able to unify today. Would you believe the amount of times I had to return to where we were when it was just us and the delinquents on the ground? It's more comparable than anything else, even some of our own being lost along the way and us needing to rebuild from it. I don't want these people to make our mistakes. I don't want them to make my mistakes.
I'm not sure what we need moving forward, but it's just so ... striking how different we are.
The thing is, there isn't a feeling while living here that one day, everything is going to turn against us. It has against certain groups. But not us. Not "the Displaced." What we have here is good. It's really good. It's just ... I know not everyone left something worse than this. I have to remember that, but I don't know how to get that across. But I'm trying. You know I'd try regardless.
Anyway.
That's a lot of words to get to a single point.
I miss you, Bellamy. I could've used you there at my side when we were all arguing about what's good for our people. The only time you haven't been there was
Well, actually, you know. We were hurt and angry and it wasn't good. We're better together.
If you were thinking of turning back up and surprising me, now would be a good time. You don't have to, though.
Just talking to you here? It helps. It does.
october 21, 2511
november 5, 2511
That's the Octavia who showed up. She didn't trust me. She had good reason. But she didn't trust me. When everyone shows up, they have a drug in their system that forces them to do something. She didn't want to listen or follow me, so I forced her to do just that.
It wasn't fair to her.
It's not really a way to foster or engender trust between two people, but I did what I had to do. That's all I've ever done.
november 15, 2511
There are AI here, too. One made a similar mistake to ALIE. Another did a show, a bit of chaos and none of it makes sense because he's said he did it to drive us away. I don't understand. I tried to see if we could go to that planet that Octavia mentioned that we all went to, but he shut that down. It was strange.
That AI made me think we saw a bit of what happened to Earth as the first bombs came down. He hit the city with an EMP. Not the small grade ones that we had to use on Raven. A big one. All the cars came raining down, crashing into buildings. People needed to help. Wanted to help. I helped. I did what I could and then I just—well, I left.
Me, a woman named Jyn, and my friend Prompto. [Clarke wouldn't call Jyn a friend then, but she does now.] I guess I wanted to run, but we found creatures. Maybe some answers. When that AI took down a lot around the city, he messed with the atmospheric stabilizers, so I had to use my Nightblood to help Prompto and Jyn make it through. I think they would've been horribly sunburned otherwise. Transfusions to make it work out for them. Temporary, but enough to get us through. I was tired, but I made it happen.
We came back. I got to be in actual nature for a while. We all did.
I wish I could help more inside the walls. I'm going to try.
[The problem is: right after writing this, Clarke vanishes for her six-year canon update.]
november 29, 2511
When I first started this, the Bellamy I last saw here was from right before I went into the City of Light the first time. I still don't know that you'll ever see this. See these. I hope I'm brave enough to show them to you.
I wasn't my best person before. Not when we met up again after six years. Not here in New Amsterdam. I both wanted this life and wanted to avoid the responsibility I had back home, while expecting everyone to listen to me. I would listen to others and pick out what I wanted to hear, but I wasn't fair or understanding in the least. I fought with people.
You're probably laughing at this now. That's what I do.
But I want to live up to what Monty said. If you ever see this and don't know what I mean, ask me. I'll tell you. But the gist was that we all needed to do better. We needed to do better.
I'm going to try. Every day I can, I'm going to try.
december 5, 2511
december 20, 2511
Here's the real kicker. In that world, I was married to Octavia. I still remember loving her, but even that love was diluted by wanting to protect Madi. We were growing estranged because we didn't handle what was going on well. I haven't been able to talk to Octavia about it. Not yet. But soon.
That's probably hard to believe. It is for me now that I'm out.
But I think what I did there and what I wanted there was a sign. A sign of what I wanted.
I just know that I also wasn't doing better. Not there. I didn't have a choice. But that doesn't matter.
january 1, 2512
The bar is going to be called Red Wings after a Detroit sports team.
I don't know if the Bellamy who'll read this will know Shaw, but I like to think he'd like it, too. Maybe Raven would as well. But this was for Markus. He was my rock and I miss him every day.
I'm doing a lot right now. Volunteering. Helping get this business setup. Classes online for school. And I have a job as a medical assistant. It's probably too much, but it keeps me busy and it keeps me helping.
january 19, 2512
Some people I know made the deal. I'd call them friends, but we're also not as close. I don't know who else did. From what I've heard, they had good reason. I can trust in that and I get the desperation, but I also can't bring myself to go.
I'm sitting this one out, Bellamy.
I want to bring our people here, but I don't think that AI can help. And since he can't, I can't be tempted.
Zerzura is still with me. I didn't tell you what I nearly did there. When I was taken in by that world and made to think I was with Octavia and had Madi, I wanted to destroy another world to keep them safe. I was told by my friends not to resent myself for that decision, but isn't that easier said than done? I know the horrible things I'll do in desperation. And maybe other people won't do horrible things, but I will.
A construct of Josephine Lightbourne is with me. I haven't mentioned her yet. I didn't want to. But she entered my friend Kovacs' dream and tried to hurt him. I don't know if she'll show up again, but she did once.
While everyone's gone, I'll see if I can tell you about Josephine. I'm not up to sharing it now.
january 23, 2512 (cw: suicide ideation)
They had a ceremony revolving around this process of taking over someone's body. If someone was born as a Nightblood, they would be raised and eventually elevated on their 21st birthday. It means that Madi's safe right now, but for how long? There's no way of telling. I'm here. The only comfort I have is that I won't be going home.
But Bellamy.
I died.
I stayed alive because I still had the City of Light key in my neck. Unlike with Raven or my mom, we never took it out. Anyone who had it would've survived the same way I did. I managed to live, but I wanted to be dead. I thought that maybe it was wrong to keep fighting to live. Josephine helped me there, I won't lie, but she was right in a way.
The only reason I'm alive is because of you.
Maybe I should've started with this. Way back when I got back.
I promise I'm living now. I'm doing what I can. I want to get our people away from the Primes like Josephine and her family. I have to do that.
january 28, 2512
I haven't heard from Octavia in over a month now. I think she's disappeared like you did back in the day.
I wanted her to live a life here and heal.
I'm sorry that she couldn't.
february 7, 2512
A lot of them are asking a lot of questions. It makes me think about Farm Station and how they didn't have the same answers that we were able to give my mom and Kane when they first came down. They had a different experience, and they couldn't find us because of the signal scrambling from Mt. Weather. But the difference is that we can fill them in. See what we can do to help.
They landed in the middle of Carnival, which I believe you'd have a lot to say about given that it has its roots in old Roman traditions (from what I've dug up—you know all that better than me). I still think I'd take a bus crash any day over any of that.
I'm going to try to enjoy this holiday, but easier said than done.
february 15(?), 2512
But it's just different. Holding up what we've been through. No one has been through more pain than anybody else.
Eugene reminds me a bit of Monty. Even-tempered but not without a bite if the situation calls for it. I haven't called for it yet, but I think he's the type you could make a mistake and think you have an understanding with, but you don't. Not really.
Living here, I've been through eight months in a world without war, but not a world without conflict. It's different from the six years I had with Madi.
I have more thoughts than that, but I'm not sure I'm ready to articulate them yet.
february ??, 2512
We'll see how this goes.
february 25, 2512
All I've been able to work out is that whatever we're looking for, it's probably "old." But that's not helpful, right? If it's not something I can look up online, it's something lost. Remember when we first went to the ground and had to dig up old weapons and you taught me how to shoot? I figure that whatever we're looking for is something like that, but aged more than 97 years.
This Earth messed up in a lot of worlds but got to rebuild. That's why I think whatever we're looking for is underneath all of that. Beyond the rebuilding.
Ball promised us answers.
I hope this gives us answers.